I thought I’d write about the things I learned from past relationships.
Maybe it would help you avoid the mistakes I made.
And also help you choose better partners.
The post is very long.
So I broke it into two parts.
The second part is linked at the bottom of the page.
Let’s dive in.
41 Things I Learned From Past Relationships
1. You can’t change anyone
One of the best things I learned from past relationships is that you can’t change anyone.
If your partner is a cheat, they will cheat on you no matter how faithful you are.
Because it is their way.
So don’t get with a cheat and think you can change him.
If you knew he was a cheat before you started dating, please stop dating him.
And if you didn’t know and only discovered it after you started dating, please dump his butt.
You can’t change anyone.
2. Don’t keep exes as friends
Some people won’t agree.
But keeping your exes as friends most of the time leads to more hurt.
The question I always ask is…
Why did you all break up if the friendship was so great?
Also, when you remain friends with your ex, they can stroll in and out of your bed as they like.
And because you’re occupied with their friendship, you’d have no time to meet someone new.
I stayed friends with an ex-boyfriend.
And we were doing relationship stuff but without exclusively dating.
Don’t let your ex eat his cake and have it.
3. Talk about what you want from a relationship
Another thing I learned from past relationships is that you must say what you want when the relationship starts getting serious.
Don’t sit back and go with the flow.
There’s time for that.
But you need to know where you stand with someone after dating for six months to a year.
And when your partner starts saying they want t be exclusive.
Or they want to move in together.
You need to tell them what you’re looking for.
So you’d know if you’re on the same page.
And plan your next moves.
You don’t want to date someone for more than a year, not knowing where you stand with them.
Or if you want the same things.
4. Also, know what you want.
When you’re in a relationship, you must know what you want.
Because if you don’t know what you want from a relationship, you’ll accept whatever is thrown at you.
So ensure you know what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Do you want to be exclusive?
Or you want to be friends with benefits.
Or you want marriage.
5. Don’t get back with someone who treated you badly
Some people break up and get back together.
The breakup may be mutual.
And they remained good friends.
Still treating each other with respect and love.
You can get back together if you have that kind of relationship with someone.
But don’t ever get back with someone that mistreated you.
Even if they say, they’ve changed.
They can take their changed, new self somewhere else.
You aren’t interested.
6. Great sex doesn’t equate good relationship.
Sometimes we think great sex means good relationships.
But that’s not always true.
Because if the only good thing you have going is sex, you have nothing.
Good sex is part of a great relationship.
But you know what’s even more important?
A partner that treats you well.
One that respects and values you.
That cares about you inside and outside the bedroom.
Sex is everywhere.
But a great partner makes sex more enjoyable.
7. Be with someone who chooses you every day
I’ve learned from past relationships that you’re better off with someone who always chooses you.
Not someone who goes hot and cold on you.
Or someone who never adds you to their priority list.
And even when they do, you’re a backup plan for when all else fails.
8. Keep your relationship private
Another thing I earned from past relationships is to keep my connection private.
You can tell your friends and family that you’re dating someone.
They can meet him, etc.
But please keep some things private.
- Like your bedroom time.
- Or your arguments.
Your friends don’t need to know what happens in your bedroom.
Also, telling them about your arguments doesn’t help you.
Because they’re your friends and family will naturally be biased.
And take sides with you.
While treating your partner like the villain.
Also, how do you expect everyone to revert to treating your partner better when you guys make up?
Think about that.
9. Think well before allowing friends to set you up
In the past, I let friends set me up with someone they thought was excellent.
But most of the time, the relationship didn’t work.
Maybe because the guy thought I wasn’t what he expected or was promised.
Or the guys always feel like they’re doing me a favor talking to me.
So I should be grateful and accept whatever crap they throw at me.
Think well before allowing your friends to set you up with guys.
10. Good-looking people may not always be the best partners
We all love when our partners are attractive.
But sometimes, we also get caught up in their looks that we ignore the red flags.
Don’t get carried away with your partner’s good looks and stay in a bad relationship.
Some people stay in poor relationships because they like the idea that their partner is hot.
11. Never ignore the red flags
Just like being blinded by someone’s good looks, it can be easy to ignore the red flags.
Some guy talked about a girl he took to lunch.
And how she was rude to the servers.
He even mentioned that she’s been rude to waiters several times in his presence.
Huge red flag.
But still, he says she’s one of the best people he knows.
She’s a horrible person.
12. You must be attracted to them physically
It would be best if you were physically attracted to who you date or marry.
If you’re not physically attracted to your partner, your relationship may not last.
Because sooner or later, your partner will know you’re not physically attracted to them.
They don’t have to be the best-looking people.
But there’s just something about them that attracts you.
Have you ever heard anyone say, “I don’t know what she sees in him?”
That’s what I’m talking about.
You alone know that thing that makes your partner sexy to you.
13. Likewise, if your partner isn’t physically attracted to you, it won’t work
Your partner must find you attractive.
When your partner is attracted to you, you’d know.
They’d tell and show you.
After being together for ten years and married for eight, my husband still checks me out.
He still calls me beautiful.
And I find him very sexy.
Physical attraction is essential in a romantic relationship.
14. Never confuse obsession with love – the previous is scary and can be dangerous
Another thing I learned from dating in the past is not to confuse obsession with love.
When someone is obsessed with you, they’ll act extreme.
They’d try to control you.
Their “love” will mostly hurt you.
An obsessed partner is a type that will call you several times when you’re hanging out with your friends.
Or they’d rush to your house to check if your car engine is warm. (Happened to someone I know).
To make sure you were at home.
But a loving partner loves and trusts you.
And they have better ways of showing their love.
Also, they’d communicate with you instead of driving you crazy as the obsessed lover does.
15. Life happens
Sometimes some relationships don’t work.
Also, when your relationship ends, please know it’s part of life.
You will hurt.
But it’s not the end of the world.
Pick yourself up and keep moving.
16. Communication is vital in any relationship
From past relationships, I learned that communication is critical.
So, if you’re mad at your partner, tell them.
Silent treatment doesn’t say much,
Instead, it makes you distant from each other.
So, communicate the smallest to the most important stuff with your partner.
You don’t want them to make your birthday a big deal?
If you dislike how they spoke to you, please address it.
Your partner will never know what’s on your mind if you don’t communicate with them.
17. Never allow verbal abuse; it gets worse
In one of my past relationships, I ignored verbal abuse.
My ex made me feel worthless.
He said mean words to me that I shouldn’t have allowed.
Those words broke me.
I should have left.
But I didn’t know myself then,
I thought he was the best I could get.
Verbal abuse is a form of abuse in relationships.
If they name-call once, let your partner know you won’t tolerate it.
And if it happens the second time, please show them the door.
You don’t need anyone killing your self-esteem.
18. If he dumped her for you, he will do the same to you
Another thing you must know is that if he left her for you, he would dump your butt soon enough.
So if you get with a guy who has a girlfriend or wife.
Please leave them alone.
Because if he’s willing to hurt his wife, fiance, or girlfriend for you, then he’ll do the same to you too.
My neighbor dumped his fiance for a woman he doesn’t know well.
He even went behind his fiance’s back to marry her.
Let’s just say that marriage didn’t last.
19. There’s no such thing as a soulmate
I know the idea of a soulmate is romantic and stuff.
But it’s made up to sell us romantic stories.
So if you keep looking and waiting for your soulmate, you may miss the right people.
Instead, find someone you like.
And build a great relationship together.
And they will be your soulmate or whatever you call it.
But just waiting and hoping you’d see someone and they’d fit some fairytale dream can lead to disappointment.
20. Don’t go out of your way for people who don’t reciprocate
From past relationships, I learned not to go out of my way for partners who don’t return.
Some partners go silent when you need them.
But they expect you to go above and beyond when they need you.
Please stop doing that.
In short, you shouldn’t be with anyone unwilling to go out of their way for you.